Attending the usual networking events while searching for a job is something I usually dread. The scene is always the same and the one question always asked of me by some "Shelley Levine in a leisure suit" is, "So, young Christopher, what did you major in while studying at that state-funded, urban concrete university of yours?"
"I was a Communications major," I always respond with a naïve twinkle in my eye.
The generic partygoer usually gasps in horror, "Well, what are you going to do with that?"
Though Communications remains a mystery to the average person, it is nothing to fear or loathe. Communications is, simply put, the art of bullshit. That's right, bullshit. Graduates in the Communications field are paid (yeah, right!) insane amounts of money to talk about, write about, and invent new ways to present bullshit.
If you are undecided on a college major, I highly recommend Communications. It's one of the few fields, other than Philosophy, in which you can actually drink your way through college and come out with a better grade point average than if you had stayed sober.
No money for beer? Sell those burdensome Communications manuals! Communications majors don't read, and those books are useless propaganda anyway. So sorry, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, and any other self-help boogeyman out there: Print is dead. Long live the age of video!
What about research and reports, you may ask? More bullshit. My thesis for my Master's degree is going to be on how Scrappy-Doo ruined Scooby-Doo's show and why Freddy, Daphne, Velma and Shaggy always wore the same damn clothes day after day, thanks (in no small part) to a "Nixon era recession." See what I mean?
Basically, the library serves no purpose for us. Oh, sure, those soundproof study cubicles were great for having sex in while at college but, other than that, Communications majors have no real purpose for that dusty old book building, do they?
It might seem Communications majors are the lowest members on the totem pole of education, but if college was the food chain equivalent of "Stratego," Communications majors would be "the eights" and Philosophy majors would be "the nines." In that light, Communications majors outrank, or could jump, Philosophy majors – but are vulnerable to just about everyone else.
Though Communications majors seldom read and are not up on most current events, they must, unfortunately, pretend to be in some social situations. Our entire foundation of knowledge rests upon sound bites gleaned from CNN (while searching for MTV), or those bothersome "we interrupt our regularly-scheduled program…" that always seem to occur while we're watching our "stories." War in Iraq update, my ass! I want to know who murdered Frisco Jones and where that damn Aztec treasure is buried!
We've heard terms like "NAFTA." We just can't explain it in depth. We'll say something like, "Oh, that Mexican thing; I'm tired of talking about it." Sometimes Communications majors are painted into a corner and forced to give opinions on subjects that haven't been on the cover of People – like thermodynamics. That's when we usually get that look – like a deer in headlights, with our eyes and mouths opened wide, and the only possible thing we can say is "duh."
It’s far better for us to intrude on conversations already in progress: overhear the topic, then get in and get out. If a group of highbrows is discussing Rush Limbaugh, quickly step in and say something clever like, “Rush? Why, he's Socrates gone mad!" While the stunned partygoers ponder who you are, what that strange comment meant, and the significance of your stunning hair, you can just slip on over to the open bar, you sly devil! They'll most certainly think you said something profound, and no one will want to embarrass themselves by admitting their ignorance. "But hold those Nobel Prizes," you'll ultimately chuckle to yourself.
So you see, Communications can be a fun and rewarding career choice for you, and when people say Communications majors have not contributed to society, you can simply point to successful Com-inspired infomercials like Rich Dad/Poor Dad, The Psychic Friends Network, The Millionaire Next Door, and "That Guy Dressed in The Riddler Suit Whose Book Teaches You How to Dodge the IRS Tax Man."
Communications majors: We're laughing all the way to the bank!